The "DL" Myth and the Damage It's Causing
When the whole "DL" myth exploded on the scene in the aftermath of J.L. King's book, something about the whole thing evoked skepticism in me. Mr. King made the rounds on Oprah and other talk shows, and the "DL" phenomenon was featured in numerous newspaper and magazine stories, including in Essence magazine something like 6 months in a row...Something about the whole thing just never sat right with me. It just seemed too overblown and like just another attempt to further stereotype black men. It's almost like it was the "close out" stereotype.....When more violent, less intelligent, lazy, underemployed, unemployed, unable to speak properly, irresponsible, not-taking-care-of-kids, not in jail/on probation/on parole, not diseased, not on drugs all fail......just throw "must be gay then" on top of it all and it makes every black male suspect in some way. It made the possibility of a good, responsible black man a total myth...that every brother had to have "something" wrong with him.....So when everyone was on the bandwagon, I felt that something about the whole thing was just insidiously racist.....Like Black men were the only ones doing this.....I couldn't believe that they were really doing it in numbers far in excess of others...the whole stereotype seemed harmful but I couldn't figure out how.
Now research has shown just how destructive and inaccurate this is. How the DL phenomenon is really rooted in myth, and how mistaken assumptions about black sexuality are finding their way into scientific research on the spread of HIV, and this could do more to fuel risky behavior than prevent it. Authors of a new commentary published in Annals of Epidemiology looked closely at the issue.
Reports on African-American men who identify themselves as straight but secretly have sex with men -- dubbed the "down low" lifestyle -- first appeared when men who said they were part of this subculture wrote books about it and the media picked up the story, Dr. Chandra L. Ford of Columbia University in New York City, the commentary's lead author, told Reuters Health.
"Part of what has happened as a result of that initial burst of stories reporting the 'down low' is that those stories often tied the down low to high rates of HIV infection among African-American women, which was not supported by epidemiological data," Ford added. "There were a lot of assumptions, there were a lot of leaps of faith that led to that."
Despite the non-scientific source, epidemiologists began doing research based on the idea that Black Men living the down low lifestyle were driving the spread of HIV, she and her colleagues note in their article in the Annals of Epidemiology.
This assumption was mistaken in many ways, they explain. First of all, the practice of straight men secretly having sex with men is seen across all ethnic groups. Also, Ford notes, while Black Men and women have higher rates of HIV infection than other ethnic groups, they also report fewer risk behaviors, suggesting researchers should look elsewhere to understand the disparity. For example, she adds, having a bacterial sexually transmitted infection can increase the risk of both transmitting and contracting HIV, and it is possible such infections may be more common among Blacks than whites due to poorer access to health care.
Research has refuted the claim that Black Men living the down low lifestyle are driving the spread of HIV, Ford said, but the perception that this is the case remains, even in the epidemiology community. She points to a dean at a colleague's school who urged researchers to study "the down low" after seeing a TV segment on it.
The view of black sexuality as deviant and diseased has deep roots, Ford noted, pointing to the way the public and the medical community viewed syphilis in the early 20th century as a disease of the Black Community. Not only could perceptions of the down low drive the men actually pursuing such a lifestyle further underground, making them less likely to get care, said Ford, it also draws attention away from interventions that could be truly effective, such as routine HIV testing of all adults. "HIV- AIDS is a social disease, so that means that there are social phenomena that influence the spread of the disease," Ford said. "We have to be as rigorous about understanding the social phenomena as we would be if we were studying how a microbe influences disease progression."
It shows the impact of stereotypes and negative views of black life in America that people, including a far too many women of color, were willing to scapegoat black men and their alleged deviant behavior as the root of the HIV crisis without looking at whether or not scientific research even backed up the claims. Hopefully more studies come along that paint a more realistic picture of what's going on than the one painted by one author with some books to sell.
For more on this issue, please check out www.jifunza.com.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The Mooninites are coming! The Mooninites are coming! Idiocy in Boston
Look out y'all.....No need to worry about Bin Laden or Al Qaeda.....What we must really fear are Meatwad, Frylock, Shake, Carl and the Mooninites. Yes that's correct, Aqua Teen Hunger Force placed the city of Boston in fear of it's life today. And how this all blew out of proportion just blows my mind.
For years, there has been criticism of our government using fear as a weapon and as a means of control. That in the post 9/11 world, people have attempted to keep the populace in fear for political gain. There is a price to using fear in this way however, as it leads to knee jerk reactions and a failure to use common sense.
The basic story is this: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, the Adult Swim cartoon, has a feature film coming out. As part of a marketing blitz, magnetic signs showing one of the more popular characters on the show, The Mooninites, are being placed on various structures throughout 11 major cities, of which Boston is one. Now these characters are normally used to advertise the show...Go to any Target, Best Buy or Wal Mart and you will see them on the cover of last season's DVD. Yet, somehow, NO one managed to grasp this as they saw *GASP* SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES throughout the city (Evidently, cops don't watch Adult Swim). So a whole clusterfuck emerges and a 27 year old art student, hired by Turner Broadcasting to head up Boston's marketing campaign for the movie is arrested. The whole thing was, and still is, being greatly blown out of proportion.
What really makes me angry is how disingenious politicians are in this. They totally play into people's fears rather than using common sense to alleviate them. Because this is essentially a nationwide campaign in a number of major cities, there were already photos online showing the devices being placed. A simple online search would have shown the connection to the devices and a marketing campaign. But that would be too simple. It's easier to fly off the handle, blow the issue up, then have to come back and say it's all a hoax.
The media actually stepped up and did their research. News organizations had information on the Cartoon Network connection to the devices at around 3 p.m. and went to the mayor and others with questions on that issue around that time. The mayor and others KNEW that this was a marketing campaign. Yet in a press conference at 5 p.m., nothing was mentioned about the Turner connection and the lack of danger, as the devices were still being treated as a threat. Basically they played ignorant to the fact that there was no real threat.
This is not to downplay terrorism. It is to criticize scaring people unnecessarily, which is done far too much. To place people in fear over a cartoon ad...when a little bit of research (or asking any 18-24 year old fan of adult swim) would have alleviated any concerns is somewhere between outright stupid and irresponsible and wrong. What it does in my mind is further lessens the credibility of the political figures involved, almost creating a "Boy Who Cried Wolf" effect.
So....hundreds of emergency crews, gridlocked traffic, a city in fear, an art student facing felony charges, threats of lawsuits..and a half million in tax dollars spent...all over a cartoon character. Really, does this make us feel safer? Oh Common Sense, how I love you so....and how I lament how you our society kills you a little more each day...
Look out y'all.....No need to worry about Bin Laden or Al Qaeda.....What we must really fear are Meatwad, Frylock, Shake, Carl and the Mooninites. Yes that's correct, Aqua Teen Hunger Force placed the city of Boston in fear of it's life today. And how this all blew out of proportion just blows my mind.
For years, there has been criticism of our government using fear as a weapon and as a means of control. That in the post 9/11 world, people have attempted to keep the populace in fear for political gain. There is a price to using fear in this way however, as it leads to knee jerk reactions and a failure to use common sense.
The basic story is this: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, the Adult Swim cartoon, has a feature film coming out. As part of a marketing blitz, magnetic signs showing one of the more popular characters on the show, The Mooninites, are being placed on various structures throughout 11 major cities, of which Boston is one. Now these characters are normally used to advertise the show...Go to any Target, Best Buy or Wal Mart and you will see them on the cover of last season's DVD. Yet, somehow, NO one managed to grasp this as they saw *GASP* SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES throughout the city (Evidently, cops don't watch Adult Swim). So a whole clusterfuck emerges and a 27 year old art student, hired by Turner Broadcasting to head up Boston's marketing campaign for the movie is arrested. The whole thing was, and still is, being greatly blown out of proportion.
What really makes me angry is how disingenious politicians are in this. They totally play into people's fears rather than using common sense to alleviate them. Because this is essentially a nationwide campaign in a number of major cities, there were already photos online showing the devices being placed. A simple online search would have shown the connection to the devices and a marketing campaign. But that would be too simple. It's easier to fly off the handle, blow the issue up, then have to come back and say it's all a hoax.
The media actually stepped up and did their research. News organizations had information on the Cartoon Network connection to the devices at around 3 p.m. and went to the mayor and others with questions on that issue around that time. The mayor and others KNEW that this was a marketing campaign. Yet in a press conference at 5 p.m., nothing was mentioned about the Turner connection and the lack of danger, as the devices were still being treated as a threat. Basically they played ignorant to the fact that there was no real threat.
This is not to downplay terrorism. It is to criticize scaring people unnecessarily, which is done far too much. To place people in fear over a cartoon ad...when a little bit of research (or asking any 18-24 year old fan of adult swim) would have alleviated any concerns is somewhere between outright stupid and irresponsible and wrong. What it does in my mind is further lessens the credibility of the political figures involved, almost creating a "Boy Who Cried Wolf" effect.
So....hundreds of emergency crews, gridlocked traffic, a city in fear, an art student facing felony charges, threats of lawsuits..and a half million in tax dollars spent...all over a cartoon character. Really, does this make us feel safer? Oh Common Sense, how I love you so....and how I lament how you our society kills you a little more each day...
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Is the standard of beauty changing?
There was an interesting article in The Boston Globe Magazine last Sunday that centered on the changing face (no pun intended) of plastic surgery. For years, plastic surgery has been looked at, and marketed as, something for middle and upper class white women. That factor has dramatically changed in recent years, with women of color opting for cosmetic surgery in rapidly increasing numbers. According to the article, the number of minority patients undergoing cosmetic procedures increased from 300,000 in 1997 to 2 million in 2005. Even factoring in the increase in total demand for cosmetic procedures, the rate of increase for minorities still comfortably outpaces the overall rate.
It’s interesting the selections many of these people are getting. Estimates show that 6 in 10 black women are getting nose jobs, usually choosing narrower nostrils, pointier tips and higher bridges. Second most popular among Black women was liposuction, often centered on the hips and buttocks. More than half of Asian patients are opting for eyelid surgery, opting to create an eyelid fold to give the eye a more wide-open appearance. Hispanic patients are also opting for nose jobs in heavy numbers.
As I read, I found this interesting……Ethnic women were getting procedures done on their most distinctive ethnic physical characteristics and doing it in increasing numbers. Personally, to each his own….if anything it shows how cosmetic surgery has become more affordable and more people of color have ascended into middle class status enabling the, to afford these procedures. This is not a value judgment about the merits or lack thereof of getting cosmetic surgery. But with a trend this dramatic, I wondered what it meant in the overall big picture.
For years, the issue of Black people getting cosmetic surgery has centered around one person: Michael Jackson. People look at the self mutilation that MJ had done and have come to the conclusion that getting cosmetic surgery was an attempt to “look white” (That silly Black or White song didn’t help that perception). I don’t think that is the case at all with the current increase though. When you look at women of color across the board getting these procedures, coupled with Caucasian women also getting them in increasing numbers, it seems that there is a greater trend at work. And I think it all reflects how the standard of beauty is evolving in Western Culture.
Traditionally the standard of beauty has been white, very European features, blond hair and blue eyes. From Jean Harlow and Marilyn Monroe to Suzanne Sommers and Farrah Fawcett to Pamela Anderson and other cookie cutter Baywatch types, this has been promoted for ages as the ultimate standard of what is attractive. And I don’t think that has completely disappeared by any means. However, I do believe that the standard has expanded increasingly and to a significant degree.
When you look at any list of “Most Sexy” or “Most Attractive”, there are certain names that now always claim the top part of those lists: Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Beyonce Knowles, Lucy Liu, Jessica Alba, Adriana Lima, and Eva Longoria. Women with "darker" features than the blonde/blue norm. Possessing ambiguous features that cause some to wonder “Hmmm just what are they” about their ethnicity. It’s almost as if ethnic ambiguity has become the new, primary standard of beauty. And the trend in plastic surgery seems to show people are out striving for it……It’s not women of color trying to look white, it’s women of color lessening the traditional ethnic features they have to fit into this new paradigm or ambiguity.
People from all races and ethnicities are seeking to adopt some, but not all, traits from others, with everyone striving for the “look”. Black women narrowing their noses, Asian women making their eyes less distinct. Some women getting butt implants, others getting liposuction to make their butts look smaller. Tanning, collagen implants hair extensions all around. All to look not like Marilyn but like Halle or Angelina, to have hips like Beyonce, the body of Jessica, the sex appeal of Adrianna.
What does it all mean? I am not sure, to be honest. I think a widening standard of what is considered beautiful is always a good thing. A small dose of progress away from the one dimensional Eurocentric standard. But does moving that standard towards ambiguity now take away appreciation of people of color with a traditional look? Is there still room at the table for the black woman with the natural and a broad nose or the Asian woman without the eyelid fold when discussions come about as to who is attractive? I guess in the end, beauty is in the eye if the beholder. But let’s be realistic…..We are a culture of followers….And what fashion and the media hold out and celebrate as attractive, the great majority will strive for, want to be or want to be with. I wonder if this trend is part of a greater move towards societal assimilation…..Or if it keeps women who retain traditional features in the same position of being outside what is considered attractive to the mainstream.
There was an interesting article in The Boston Globe Magazine last Sunday that centered on the changing face (no pun intended) of plastic surgery. For years, plastic surgery has been looked at, and marketed as, something for middle and upper class white women. That factor has dramatically changed in recent years, with women of color opting for cosmetic surgery in rapidly increasing numbers. According to the article, the number of minority patients undergoing cosmetic procedures increased from 300,000 in 1997 to 2 million in 2005. Even factoring in the increase in total demand for cosmetic procedures, the rate of increase for minorities still comfortably outpaces the overall rate.
It’s interesting the selections many of these people are getting. Estimates show that 6 in 10 black women are getting nose jobs, usually choosing narrower nostrils, pointier tips and higher bridges. Second most popular among Black women was liposuction, often centered on the hips and buttocks. More than half of Asian patients are opting for eyelid surgery, opting to create an eyelid fold to give the eye a more wide-open appearance. Hispanic patients are also opting for nose jobs in heavy numbers.
As I read, I found this interesting……Ethnic women were getting procedures done on their most distinctive ethnic physical characteristics and doing it in increasing numbers. Personally, to each his own….if anything it shows how cosmetic surgery has become more affordable and more people of color have ascended into middle class status enabling the, to afford these procedures. This is not a value judgment about the merits or lack thereof of getting cosmetic surgery. But with a trend this dramatic, I wondered what it meant in the overall big picture.
For years, the issue of Black people getting cosmetic surgery has centered around one person: Michael Jackson. People look at the self mutilation that MJ had done and have come to the conclusion that getting cosmetic surgery was an attempt to “look white” (That silly Black or White song didn’t help that perception). I don’t think that is the case at all with the current increase though. When you look at women of color across the board getting these procedures, coupled with Caucasian women also getting them in increasing numbers, it seems that there is a greater trend at work. And I think it all reflects how the standard of beauty is evolving in Western Culture.
Traditionally the standard of beauty has been white, very European features, blond hair and blue eyes. From Jean Harlow and Marilyn Monroe to Suzanne Sommers and Farrah Fawcett to Pamela Anderson and other cookie cutter Baywatch types, this has been promoted for ages as the ultimate standard of what is attractive. And I don’t think that has completely disappeared by any means. However, I do believe that the standard has expanded increasingly and to a significant degree.
When you look at any list of “Most Sexy” or “Most Attractive”, there are certain names that now always claim the top part of those lists: Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Beyonce Knowles, Lucy Liu, Jessica Alba, Adriana Lima, and Eva Longoria. Women with "darker" features than the blonde/blue norm. Possessing ambiguous features that cause some to wonder “Hmmm just what are they” about their ethnicity. It’s almost as if ethnic ambiguity has become the new, primary standard of beauty. And the trend in plastic surgery seems to show people are out striving for it……It’s not women of color trying to look white, it’s women of color lessening the traditional ethnic features they have to fit into this new paradigm or ambiguity.
People from all races and ethnicities are seeking to adopt some, but not all, traits from others, with everyone striving for the “look”. Black women narrowing their noses, Asian women making their eyes less distinct. Some women getting butt implants, others getting liposuction to make their butts look smaller. Tanning, collagen implants hair extensions all around. All to look not like Marilyn but like Halle or Angelina, to have hips like Beyonce, the body of Jessica, the sex appeal of Adrianna.
What does it all mean? I am not sure, to be honest. I think a widening standard of what is considered beautiful is always a good thing. A small dose of progress away from the one dimensional Eurocentric standard. But does moving that standard towards ambiguity now take away appreciation of people of color with a traditional look? Is there still room at the table for the black woman with the natural and a broad nose or the Asian woman without the eyelid fold when discussions come about as to who is attractive? I guess in the end, beauty is in the eye if the beholder. But let’s be realistic…..We are a culture of followers….And what fashion and the media hold out and celebrate as attractive, the great majority will strive for, want to be or want to be with. I wonder if this trend is part of a greater move towards societal assimilation…..Or if it keeps women who retain traditional features in the same position of being outside what is considered attractive to the mainstream.
Friday, December 01, 2006
AIDS and HIV...Do we take it seriously anymore?
Today is World Aids Day. I have read numerous articles about HIV infection statistics, particularly in the Black and Hispanic community. Still I sit here and I have to acknowledge the truth. People are not as afraid of HIV anymore. Crazy as it sounds, you see it in the promiscuous behavior that goes on. The change can be broken down like this.
15 years ago: HIV is a Death Wish
Today: HIV is the new herpes
What do I mean by that? Let me take you guys back to an earthshaking event that took place a little more than 15 years ago. November 7, 1991. The day Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV positive. Earvin "Magic" Johnson was and is a pop culture icon. He transcended sports. He wasn't just an athlete he was a personality. He was pinned up on the wall of kids of all races across the country. When he contracted HIV, I remember people crying. They thought Magic was going to shrivel up and die. This was promoted as the ultimate cautionary tale.
Funny thing happened though. Magic lived. He thrived. He actually gained weight, came back to the NBA as both a player and coach. He won a gold medal with the Dream Team in 1992. He went on to become one of the top Black businessmen in the country. His life didn't end with HIV. In ways it can be argued that is star burned even brighter after it.
I think this subconsciously lured many to sleep. Because of HIV drugs, people are living longer lives with the virus, continuing to prosper after contracting it. Because of this, those three letters don't strike the same fear in people as they used to. I think a lot of people in many communities look at HIV as an unfortunate thing that you have to live with, and not as something that you instantly die from.....It doesn'thave that same death sentence ring to it as it did years ago.
Many will not admit to this thinking, but actions speak louder than words. Shawn Deveney of the Sporting News wrote an article recently on the anniversary of Magic's announcement. He wrote of how Magic's announcement is a distant memory for today's basketball players and the impact of it has worn off over the years. He pointed out that things are back to the status quo with NBA ballplayers,with a "Ho Row" behind the players bench at many games and the same groupie action taking place in hotel lobbies.
The unfortunate reality is that many poor people who contract the virus dont have the money to keep up the prescriptions for the cocktail of drugs that it takes to survive with HIV. People are contracting it at stunning levels and dying. In spite of this, the paralyzing fear of HIV is not there. People say "Magic look better now than he did when he was playing". Our music promotes pimpin' and being a playa, defining manhood in how many women you sleep with and womanhood in how many men you get to chase and give you money. People are still hooking up and having sex. As for people using protection? Out of wedlock births are at an all time high, with nearly 4 of 10 babies born each year being born out of wedlock according to a recent article by the AP. These rates have risen progressively through the 1990's and into the current decade, as the HIV rates have risen.
So we read the statistics, we see the commercials, we have our AIDS days.....but do we really have any change? If so, I am really not seeing it.
Today is World Aids Day. I have read numerous articles about HIV infection statistics, particularly in the Black and Hispanic community. Still I sit here and I have to acknowledge the truth. People are not as afraid of HIV anymore. Crazy as it sounds, you see it in the promiscuous behavior that goes on. The change can be broken down like this.
15 years ago: HIV is a Death Wish
Today: HIV is the new herpes
What do I mean by that? Let me take you guys back to an earthshaking event that took place a little more than 15 years ago. November 7, 1991. The day Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV positive. Earvin "Magic" Johnson was and is a pop culture icon. He transcended sports. He wasn't just an athlete he was a personality. He was pinned up on the wall of kids of all races across the country. When he contracted HIV, I remember people crying. They thought Magic was going to shrivel up and die. This was promoted as the ultimate cautionary tale.
Funny thing happened though. Magic lived. He thrived. He actually gained weight, came back to the NBA as both a player and coach. He won a gold medal with the Dream Team in 1992. He went on to become one of the top Black businessmen in the country. His life didn't end with HIV. In ways it can be argued that is star burned even brighter after it.
I think this subconsciously lured many to sleep. Because of HIV drugs, people are living longer lives with the virus, continuing to prosper after contracting it. Because of this, those three letters don't strike the same fear in people as they used to. I think a lot of people in many communities look at HIV as an unfortunate thing that you have to live with, and not as something that you instantly die from.....It doesn'thave that same death sentence ring to it as it did years ago.
Many will not admit to this thinking, but actions speak louder than words. Shawn Deveney of the Sporting News wrote an article recently on the anniversary of Magic's announcement. He wrote of how Magic's announcement is a distant memory for today's basketball players and the impact of it has worn off over the years. He pointed out that things are back to the status quo with NBA ballplayers,with a "Ho Row" behind the players bench at many games and the same groupie action taking place in hotel lobbies.
The unfortunate reality is that many poor people who contract the virus dont have the money to keep up the prescriptions for the cocktail of drugs that it takes to survive with HIV. People are contracting it at stunning levels and dying. In spite of this, the paralyzing fear of HIV is not there. People say "Magic look better now than he did when he was playing". Our music promotes pimpin' and being a playa, defining manhood in how many women you sleep with and womanhood in how many men you get to chase and give you money. People are still hooking up and having sex. As for people using protection? Out of wedlock births are at an all time high, with nearly 4 of 10 babies born each year being born out of wedlock according to a recent article by the AP. These rates have risen progressively through the 1990's and into the current decade, as the HIV rates have risen.
So we read the statistics, we see the commercials, we have our AIDS days.....but do we really have any change? If so, I am really not seeing it.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
What happened to the “Friend” in Girl/Boyfriend?
If I was your girlfriend, would U remember, 2 tell me all the things U forgot when I was your man? Hey hey, when I was your man…..
If I was your best friend, would U let me Take care of U, and do all the things that only a best friend can? Oh, only best friends can….
If I was your girlfriend, would U let me dress U I mean help U pick out your clothes before we go out?
Not that you're helpless, but sometime, sometime those are the things that being in love's about
If I was your one and only friend, would U run 2 me if somebody hurt U even if that somebody was me? Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be...
Prince, If I was your Girlfriend
I had to start off with some verses from the greatest of all time.
When I look at relationships, and dating, it seems like people are overlooking the most important thing that’s necessary for something to last long term….friendship. Look, I know looks are the initial draw. Hell, it’s chemistry. We are drawn to those whom we are attracted to. Charisma takes it to the next level. We all like being with someone who looks good, who has charm. We all like stepping out with someone on our arm and thinking “shiiiiit, we look good”. We all like sex…..Back scratching, furniture moving, hair pulling, sweaty, use-the-lords-name-in-vain, back-breakin’ sex. We like being with someone we respect, who is good at their chosen profession, who is good to people around them.
All of those things go into why we are drawn to people…why we get into relationships…or relations…with people. But in my view, none of those factors will happily keep you with someone. What’s necessary is being with someone who is truly your friend. Like Prince so perfectly says….someone that you tell everything to, that you really share it all with, that you lower your guard to. Someone whom you allow to help and be there for you….NOT that you can’t do it for yourself, but because sharing and doing it together brings you closer.
I think as men and women, many of us have gotten so into being strong, showing no weakness, no vulnerability. We open up sexually because, lets be honest, it’s self serving…..we are getting ours. We open up socially, because it’s self serving…..we get to be out with that person who is fine, who turns heads. But we avoid opening up emotionally because we fear being vulnerable, fear being in a position where someone could hurt us. But that opening up, builds trust…that trust builds connection…..it allows us to know that someone is a person we can depend on. It’s the ultimate selfless act. Allowing someone to touch us deeply, to be our friend, to love us…to trust someone to keep our secrets, be there for us when we’re sick, when we’re down. Not that we NEED someone to do that but because we WANT that one person we choose to be there with us through it all, good and bad. It’s letting down the wall and allowing someone stand by us and help us with the day to day trials of life.
I think the realities of life make us all a little hard. It makes us want to rely on self, and it makes us hesitant to trust…it’s a deceitful world out there. The bullshit of dating compounds that, as we run into so many people who want to get what they want from us without giving any of themselves…so we learn to hold ourselves close to the cuff too. We end up dating…and dating…and dating….and not ever getting deep. Or we get into relationships based on nothing but superficial and watch as they fade into obscurity. We look at their deficiencies, and use them as reasons why things don’t work out. But do we really put our best foot forward? Do we really take the time to know someone? To truly become their friend? To let someone in and befriend us? Do we let a preoccupation with how good they look, how chill they are or how great their “resume” is supersede whether they have the traits to be a good friend and companion to us?
I’m trying to constantly evolve and grow. I don’t know if I’ve really focused on friendship as much as I should have. I take great pride in my resilience and self-reliance, but if that runs amok it can hinder serious relationships. I don’t know that I’ve given people the opportunity to really come in and come close, or be there for me. I think you have to scale it back and let people befriend and love you. I do know it’s about so much more than just looks, sex, and the “resume”. That it’s someone who can really ride with me, be by my side when I’m not my best, when times are shitty (as well as when they are good). Someone I can act like the complete goof I can be sometimes with. Someone who sees my vision for my life and who supports me in reaching it (and vice versa). Someone I am on the same page with. Someone who will truly be my friend……I’m trying to eventually look into someone’s eyes and really trip over how happy we could be.
© Copyright 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.
If I was your girlfriend, would U remember, 2 tell me all the things U forgot when I was your man? Hey hey, when I was your man…..
If I was your best friend, would U let me Take care of U, and do all the things that only a best friend can? Oh, only best friends can….
If I was your girlfriend, would U let me dress U I mean help U pick out your clothes before we go out?
Not that you're helpless, but sometime, sometime those are the things that being in love's about
If I was your one and only friend, would U run 2 me if somebody hurt U even if that somebody was me? Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be...
Prince, If I was your Girlfriend
I had to start off with some verses from the greatest of all time.
When I look at relationships, and dating, it seems like people are overlooking the most important thing that’s necessary for something to last long term….friendship. Look, I know looks are the initial draw. Hell, it’s chemistry. We are drawn to those whom we are attracted to. Charisma takes it to the next level. We all like being with someone who looks good, who has charm. We all like stepping out with someone on our arm and thinking “shiiiiit, we look good”. We all like sex…..Back scratching, furniture moving, hair pulling, sweaty, use-the-lords-name-in-vain, back-breakin’ sex. We like being with someone we respect, who is good at their chosen profession, who is good to people around them.
All of those things go into why we are drawn to people…why we get into relationships…or relations…with people. But in my view, none of those factors will happily keep you with someone. What’s necessary is being with someone who is truly your friend. Like Prince so perfectly says….someone that you tell everything to, that you really share it all with, that you lower your guard to. Someone whom you allow to help and be there for you….NOT that you can’t do it for yourself, but because sharing and doing it together brings you closer.
I think as men and women, many of us have gotten so into being strong, showing no weakness, no vulnerability. We open up sexually because, lets be honest, it’s self serving…..we are getting ours. We open up socially, because it’s self serving…..we get to be out with that person who is fine, who turns heads. But we avoid opening up emotionally because we fear being vulnerable, fear being in a position where someone could hurt us. But that opening up, builds trust…that trust builds connection…..it allows us to know that someone is a person we can depend on. It’s the ultimate selfless act. Allowing someone to touch us deeply, to be our friend, to love us…to trust someone to keep our secrets, be there for us when we’re sick, when we’re down. Not that we NEED someone to do that but because we WANT that one person we choose to be there with us through it all, good and bad. It’s letting down the wall and allowing someone stand by us and help us with the day to day trials of life.
I think the realities of life make us all a little hard. It makes us want to rely on self, and it makes us hesitant to trust…it’s a deceitful world out there. The bullshit of dating compounds that, as we run into so many people who want to get what they want from us without giving any of themselves…so we learn to hold ourselves close to the cuff too. We end up dating…and dating…and dating….and not ever getting deep. Or we get into relationships based on nothing but superficial and watch as they fade into obscurity. We look at their deficiencies, and use them as reasons why things don’t work out. But do we really put our best foot forward? Do we really take the time to know someone? To truly become their friend? To let someone in and befriend us? Do we let a preoccupation with how good they look, how chill they are or how great their “resume” is supersede whether they have the traits to be a good friend and companion to us?
I’m trying to constantly evolve and grow. I don’t know if I’ve really focused on friendship as much as I should have. I take great pride in my resilience and self-reliance, but if that runs amok it can hinder serious relationships. I don’t know that I’ve given people the opportunity to really come in and come close, or be there for me. I think you have to scale it back and let people befriend and love you. I do know it’s about so much more than just looks, sex, and the “resume”. That it’s someone who can really ride with me, be by my side when I’m not my best, when times are shitty (as well as when they are good). Someone I can act like the complete goof I can be sometimes with. Someone who sees my vision for my life and who supports me in reaching it (and vice versa). Someone I am on the same page with. Someone who will truly be my friend……I’m trying to eventually look into someone’s eyes and really trip over how happy we could be.
© Copyright 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Intimidated? Not Hardly.....Time to cut loose the ego trip.....
"He couldn't handle me girl....I think I intimidated him". "He just isn't on my level". "See, there just arent any good brothers out there".
Enough. Goddammit, enough!
Remember the scene in Boomerang when Eddie Murphy sneaks out of bed after sleeping with Lela Rachon because she had ugly feet? Asshole move, I know, but it was one of many funny scenes in the movie that many of us laughed at. If this same scene transpired in today's dating climate the reaction would have been different. Rather than wondering why Eddie's character didn't call again, the sister likely would have made the above statement over dinner and drinks with her girls to a chorus of "hmmm hmmmpt" and "I know that's right".
It's seems to be a general trend that professional, educated Black women are wholly embracing the idea that they intimidate Black men. This notion is used to justify why many professional women of color are single. It also is used to explain dates from hell, why he didn't call, why he won't committ and why he wants a divorce. I hear this explanation waved around more and more frequently.
"I can't get a man because they find my intelligence intimidating". "It's hard to find a man who isn't intimidated that I have a career and got my own house in order". These statements are often met with a roomful of emphatetic female heads nodding in agreement. It just seems as though this notion is becoming the African-American woman's worldview on dating. And i'm not sure that's a good thing. If anything I think it's a drastic misconception that can only serve to widen the gap between black men and black women, many of whom have it together.
In truth, a brother may have many reasons why he chooses not to pursue a sister, or any woman for that matter. Maybe he's not intimidated by her degree but bored by her inability to converse about any topics outside of her job. Maybe her successful career doesn't intimidate him, but after numerous canceled dates he assumes she is playing games and doesn't want to play along. Maybe he isn't imtimidated by her mortgage and car note, but put off by what he perceives as materialism. Maybe he just wasn't feeling a connection. There are many things that go into compatibility and chemistry. Building relationships is not just a matter of "matching resumes".......it's a matter of finding someone with common interests, a common world view, and a level of chemistry that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional. And those things can be found in many places, without respect to race, social status or income level.
And in the end, I find the whole notion to be nothing more than an ego trip. There have been times where i've heard through a 3rd party that someone was "feelin" me, rather than hearing about it directly from the source. But never in a million years would I sit there and think or assume that someone who didn't approach me, or whom I approached but wasn't swayed by my charms, found me intimidating. Instead, I step back and assess the situation......I check my breath, make sure nothing is hanging out my nose, make sure my zipper isn't open or any other goofy, absent minded thing i'm known to do. Maybe I wonder if I said something corny or wonder if I just came up short on wit or cool. Or, most often, I just shrug my shoulders, think "I'm just not her cup of tea", don't take it the least bit personally, and keep it moving on to the next one. In the end, no person, no matter how accomplished, is going to be right for everyone. If one person isn't feeling me, that's okay. There are plenty of others out there who hopefully will.
Unfortunately, it seems this type of reality cheek doesn't happen as often anymore with a lot of sisters. I think hiding behing the defense mechanism of "he's intimidated" may cause many sisters to lose the capacity to be thoughtfully self-critical or truly objective in assessing things in the dating world. It's like the "Blame-a-Broter" philosophy is just easier, where every issue, from the bad date to the ugly divorce, reflects the shortcoming or failure of a man. It's our fault.
This whole notion of "intimidation" seems to be another weapon in what I fear is the growing battle, and distance, between black men and women. It's not always a fair assumption. If a man doesn't follow through, well, sometimes that's just life and the way it goes. As men, we deal with rejection all the time. It's not that serious. It may not have had anything to do with you being too black, strong, intelligent or well off. Maybe as he spotted you from across the bar he felt you were too young , old, tall, short, thick or thin for his taste. Maybe he really did enjoy your company on that date, but he just decided to go in another direction with someone else. Maybe "HE" actually got a promotion at work, has to move and just didn't see the point of continuing. Whatever the reason, chill, don't sweat it. After all, if he's not intimidated, then he's probably gay and on the DL anyway. Yeah, that's it! Hahahaha......Ahhh, I kid because I care.....
"He couldn't handle me girl....I think I intimidated him". "He just isn't on my level". "See, there just arent any good brothers out there".
Enough. Goddammit, enough!
Remember the scene in Boomerang when Eddie Murphy sneaks out of bed after sleeping with Lela Rachon because she had ugly feet? Asshole move, I know, but it was one of many funny scenes in the movie that many of us laughed at. If this same scene transpired in today's dating climate the reaction would have been different. Rather than wondering why Eddie's character didn't call again, the sister likely would have made the above statement over dinner and drinks with her girls to a chorus of "hmmm hmmmpt" and "I know that's right".
It's seems to be a general trend that professional, educated Black women are wholly embracing the idea that they intimidate Black men. This notion is used to justify why many professional women of color are single. It also is used to explain dates from hell, why he didn't call, why he won't committ and why he wants a divorce. I hear this explanation waved around more and more frequently.
"I can't get a man because they find my intelligence intimidating". "It's hard to find a man who isn't intimidated that I have a career and got my own house in order". These statements are often met with a roomful of emphatetic female heads nodding in agreement. It just seems as though this notion is becoming the African-American woman's worldview on dating. And i'm not sure that's a good thing. If anything I think it's a drastic misconception that can only serve to widen the gap between black men and black women, many of whom have it together.
In truth, a brother may have many reasons why he chooses not to pursue a sister, or any woman for that matter. Maybe he's not intimidated by her degree but bored by her inability to converse about any topics outside of her job. Maybe her successful career doesn't intimidate him, but after numerous canceled dates he assumes she is playing games and doesn't want to play along. Maybe he isn't imtimidated by her mortgage and car note, but put off by what he perceives as materialism. Maybe he just wasn't feeling a connection. There are many things that go into compatibility and chemistry. Building relationships is not just a matter of "matching resumes".......it's a matter of finding someone with common interests, a common world view, and a level of chemistry that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional. And those things can be found in many places, without respect to race, social status or income level.
And in the end, I find the whole notion to be nothing more than an ego trip. There have been times where i've heard through a 3rd party that someone was "feelin" me, rather than hearing about it directly from the source. But never in a million years would I sit there and think or assume that someone who didn't approach me, or whom I approached but wasn't swayed by my charms, found me intimidating. Instead, I step back and assess the situation......I check my breath, make sure nothing is hanging out my nose, make sure my zipper isn't open or any other goofy, absent minded thing i'm known to do. Maybe I wonder if I said something corny or wonder if I just came up short on wit or cool. Or, most often, I just shrug my shoulders, think "I'm just not her cup of tea", don't take it the least bit personally, and keep it moving on to the next one. In the end, no person, no matter how accomplished, is going to be right for everyone. If one person isn't feeling me, that's okay. There are plenty of others out there who hopefully will.
Unfortunately, it seems this type of reality cheek doesn't happen as often anymore with a lot of sisters. I think hiding behing the defense mechanism of "he's intimidated" may cause many sisters to lose the capacity to be thoughtfully self-critical or truly objective in assessing things in the dating world. It's like the "Blame-a-Broter" philosophy is just easier, where every issue, from the bad date to the ugly divorce, reflects the shortcoming or failure of a man. It's our fault.
This whole notion of "intimidation" seems to be another weapon in what I fear is the growing battle, and distance, between black men and women. It's not always a fair assumption. If a man doesn't follow through, well, sometimes that's just life and the way it goes. As men, we deal with rejection all the time. It's not that serious. It may not have had anything to do with you being too black, strong, intelligent or well off. Maybe as he spotted you from across the bar he felt you were too young , old, tall, short, thick or thin for his taste. Maybe he really did enjoy your company on that date, but he just decided to go in another direction with someone else. Maybe "HE" actually got a promotion at work, has to move and just didn't see the point of continuing. Whatever the reason, chill, don't sweat it. After all, if he's not intimidated, then he's probably gay and on the DL anyway. Yeah, that's it! Hahahaha......Ahhh, I kid because I care.....
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I Love Sade, But I Don't Agree With Her
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
© Copyright James Leon Smith, Jr. 2006. All Rights Reserved.
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
© Copyright James Leon Smith, Jr. 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
People Perpetuating Their Own Heartache and Drama
6/23/06
It just makes me sad to see it....and I see it so often. I look around and I see so many people walking around like slaves....They enslave themselves, becoming jaded, bitter.....refusing to see the possibilities of life. These folks are unable to be happy, unable or unwilling to seize the day and reach their ultimate potential. And in the end, that fact isn't because life isn't fair. It is because of their own choices.
Life isn't unfair. Life isn't bad. Life just is. Life does what it does and owes us nothing. Happiness in this world is all in how we respond to the ups and down, the celebrations and the trials, the good moments and the bad. Tough times are going to come, disappointments are going to happen. There are going to be moments where we hurt so much we feel like dying. In the end, we have to let go of the pain and the disappointments, take the time to heal and rebuild ourselves and move forward. There are many things that will happen that we cannot control. What we can control is whether or not we allow these things to break out spirit. And that is something none of us can ever allow to happen if we are to ever be happy. Happiness is the ability to roll with the punches, to let go of toxic things that seek to burden our spirits, to learn and grow from our mistakes so that we become strong and wise enough to overcome any challenges we may face.
People don't do this though. They hold on. Hold on when doing so is totally not in their best interest. They refuse to accept the reality that life is laying right in front of their eyes. They give up hope. In relationships, there are people who will recognize that a situation does not work, that it is not good or healthy for them. Yet in their mind, they think that it can, so they ignore the obvious reality and stay and try to make the unworkable work. In life, there are people who will get in in their mind that a certain career path or direction is the one. Yet when it doesn't work, they get give up all hope and allow their talents, which could thrive on another path, to fester and crust over.You get people in these circumstances who are not living. They go through life like zombies, biding time until they die.
The eye can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy placing your focus on what doesn't work, you will miss out on something that can. People push away and screw up things with amazing people and potential soulmates every day because they'd rather focus on fixing a broken ship that can never sail. It never fails that the most jaded people when it comes to relationships are the ones who refuse to emotionally move on from the same fuck-up who has been bringing them nothing but strife for years. People let their academic and professional potential go unfulfilled, because they sink into the disappointment of a failure and give up hope. They will not even try to embark down a path that could bring them fulfillment because they are too busy sulking that what THEY thought should have worked, didn't. In these circumstances people fail to see that the failure of these things is a blessing in disguise because, as much as they have it fixed in their mind that it was the "one" or the ultimate, it WASN'T. Instead of moving on and continuing to search, they stop believing in the possibilities. And life, no matter how hard it is, is full of possibilities. Happiness lies behind various doors, if only people have the courage and strength to knock on them.
So many people use hurt as their justification. They allow the pain of getting their heart broken, the pain of not having their plans work out as they wanted erode their confidence. Well people, let me give you a big news flash. Pain is a part of life. It's like breathing and eating. It is something that we cannot escape. There is pain as we are birthed into the world. There is often pain as we die. And pain will be a part of our experience as we go through the daily paces of life. The flip side of pain is that in every painful moment lies opportunity. There is a lesson that we can learn to get wiser. There is strength in overcoming it. There is the fulfillment or evolving into a better person for having endured. You can let pain break you or you can use it to make you. Your choice.
And in the end it's all about choices......personal responsibility. If that relationship doesn't work, it's because it's NOT meant to be, because that person is NOT the one. If that career path doesn't work out it's because it's NOT what your calling and destiny is. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can open our hearts and minds to the possibilities and great potential that life has. The sooner we can embrace our destiny and the happiness that lies out there for all of us. If people choose to hold onto bad relationships, or sulk in self-pity, then they need to cut the jaded act and look in the mirror. They may not be happy, but it's due to their own behavior. They are like people in an unlocked jail cell. They can walk out at their choosing. They just need to let go of the bars and walk out the door.
© 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.
6/23/06
It just makes me sad to see it....and I see it so often. I look around and I see so many people walking around like slaves....They enslave themselves, becoming jaded, bitter.....refusing to see the possibilities of life. These folks are unable to be happy, unable or unwilling to seize the day and reach their ultimate potential. And in the end, that fact isn't because life isn't fair. It is because of their own choices.
Life isn't unfair. Life isn't bad. Life just is. Life does what it does and owes us nothing. Happiness in this world is all in how we respond to the ups and down, the celebrations and the trials, the good moments and the bad. Tough times are going to come, disappointments are going to happen. There are going to be moments where we hurt so much we feel like dying. In the end, we have to let go of the pain and the disappointments, take the time to heal and rebuild ourselves and move forward. There are many things that will happen that we cannot control. What we can control is whether or not we allow these things to break out spirit. And that is something none of us can ever allow to happen if we are to ever be happy. Happiness is the ability to roll with the punches, to let go of toxic things that seek to burden our spirits, to learn and grow from our mistakes so that we become strong and wise enough to overcome any challenges we may face.
People don't do this though. They hold on. Hold on when doing so is totally not in their best interest. They refuse to accept the reality that life is laying right in front of their eyes. They give up hope. In relationships, there are people who will recognize that a situation does not work, that it is not good or healthy for them. Yet in their mind, they think that it can, so they ignore the obvious reality and stay and try to make the unworkable work. In life, there are people who will get in in their mind that a certain career path or direction is the one. Yet when it doesn't work, they get give up all hope and allow their talents, which could thrive on another path, to fester and crust over.You get people in these circumstances who are not living. They go through life like zombies, biding time until they die.
The eye can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy placing your focus on what doesn't work, you will miss out on something that can. People push away and screw up things with amazing people and potential soulmates every day because they'd rather focus on fixing a broken ship that can never sail. It never fails that the most jaded people when it comes to relationships are the ones who refuse to emotionally move on from the same fuck-up who has been bringing them nothing but strife for years. People let their academic and professional potential go unfulfilled, because they sink into the disappointment of a failure and give up hope. They will not even try to embark down a path that could bring them fulfillment because they are too busy sulking that what THEY thought should have worked, didn't. In these circumstances people fail to see that the failure of these things is a blessing in disguise because, as much as they have it fixed in their mind that it was the "one" or the ultimate, it WASN'T. Instead of moving on and continuing to search, they stop believing in the possibilities. And life, no matter how hard it is, is full of possibilities. Happiness lies behind various doors, if only people have the courage and strength to knock on them.
So many people use hurt as their justification. They allow the pain of getting their heart broken, the pain of not having their plans work out as they wanted erode their confidence. Well people, let me give you a big news flash. Pain is a part of life. It's like breathing and eating. It is something that we cannot escape. There is pain as we are birthed into the world. There is often pain as we die. And pain will be a part of our experience as we go through the daily paces of life. The flip side of pain is that in every painful moment lies opportunity. There is a lesson that we can learn to get wiser. There is strength in overcoming it. There is the fulfillment or evolving into a better person for having endured. You can let pain break you or you can use it to make you. Your choice.
And in the end it's all about choices......personal responsibility. If that relationship doesn't work, it's because it's NOT meant to be, because that person is NOT the one. If that career path doesn't work out it's because it's NOT what your calling and destiny is. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can open our hearts and minds to the possibilities and great potential that life has. The sooner we can embrace our destiny and the happiness that lies out there for all of us. If people choose to hold onto bad relationships, or sulk in self-pity, then they need to cut the jaded act and look in the mirror. They may not be happy, but it's due to their own behavior. They are like people in an unlocked jail cell. They can walk out at their choosing. They just need to let go of the bars and walk out the door.
© 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Follow up to "The Break Up" - Cowards in The Name of Kindness...
There is nothing worse than this scenario: Knowing a relationship is dying yet having someone who claims to love you not respect you enough to come honest and real and just lay it all out there. If it's not working, then it's not working. If you are no longer feeling a situation, just be straight up and real about it. Have a backbone and say what needs to be said. I can't stand it when someone says "I dont want to be mean" or "I dont want to hurt them", all the while they continue in a relationship they dont want to be in. What's mean and hurtful is staying in a relationship and not giving your all to it. What's mean is living a lie, saying that things are okay when they are not. It's hurtful to cut off affection when you are no longer feeling them. What's wrong is sticking around keeping a relationship on life support while straying outside it to look for others.There is nothing nice about leading someone on rather than giving them clarity and doing what needs to be done so both people can move forward and be happy.
Coming straight up may seem harsh, but honesty IS the best policy. The truth hurts, but in the end it's something that real people will always respect. Plus, when you hold back the truth and dont tell someone how you feel, you are really calling them weak. You are saying that they cannot handle the truth. That it will break them so you have to shelter them from the horrible hurt. I take that approach as an insult and a slap in the face. I mean b**** please, get over yourself....i've been through all the crazy and difficult times i've seen in my life and kept standing, endured things you can't imagine...but you think I cant handle the word no from *you*....PUH-lease. I believe the feigned extra care is really a cop out from people who dont have the spine and nerve to be honest and to be really real.
If you keep it honest and just break it off, people may be angry or hurt, but in the end you can leave a relationship with respect. And because of that respect you have the opportunity to be friends at some point. If you dont, them people stray, they cheat, they argue.....feelings end up getting hurt a lot more and respect ends up getting lost. You end up losing someone from your life altoghether. So many people talk about keeping it real. Well in this situation, it's as real as it gets. And people need to show and prove.
There is nothing worse than this scenario: Knowing a relationship is dying yet having someone who claims to love you not respect you enough to come honest and real and just lay it all out there. If it's not working, then it's not working. If you are no longer feeling a situation, just be straight up and real about it. Have a backbone and say what needs to be said. I can't stand it when someone says "I dont want to be mean" or "I dont want to hurt them", all the while they continue in a relationship they dont want to be in. What's mean and hurtful is staying in a relationship and not giving your all to it. What's mean is living a lie, saying that things are okay when they are not. It's hurtful to cut off affection when you are no longer feeling them. What's wrong is sticking around keeping a relationship on life support while straying outside it to look for others.There is nothing nice about leading someone on rather than giving them clarity and doing what needs to be done so both people can move forward and be happy.
Coming straight up may seem harsh, but honesty IS the best policy. The truth hurts, but in the end it's something that real people will always respect. Plus, when you hold back the truth and dont tell someone how you feel, you are really calling them weak. You are saying that they cannot handle the truth. That it will break them so you have to shelter them from the horrible hurt. I take that approach as an insult and a slap in the face. I mean b**** please, get over yourself....i've been through all the crazy and difficult times i've seen in my life and kept standing, endured things you can't imagine...but you think I cant handle the word no from *you*....PUH-lease. I believe the feigned extra care is really a cop out from people who dont have the spine and nerve to be honest and to be really real.
If you keep it honest and just break it off, people may be angry or hurt, but in the end you can leave a relationship with respect. And because of that respect you have the opportunity to be friends at some point. If you dont, them people stray, they cheat, they argue.....feelings end up getting hurt a lot more and respect ends up getting lost. You end up losing someone from your life altoghether. So many people talk about keeping it real. Well in this situation, it's as real as it gets. And people need to show and prove.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Break Up
Late night, Unable to sleep,
Looking at the time….
Wondering what you’re thinking,
What’s on your mind…
Why you don’t pick up the phone
I mean, I know something is wrong…
Yet here I sit, twisting in the wind
Damn, just tell me what the fuck is up
Let the suspense end
Why do women so this shit?
Must be the nice guy curse…
I feel bad…I don’t wanna hurt him
Just making the shit worse
I mean dammit, I’m a man, I can handle what you gotta say
Just don’t play, make me wait day after day
When it’s clear you’re no longer down
And want this to go away
I know what’s coming, just waiting for it to come around the bend
The hurt, the pain are already starting to set in
You’re as good as gone, hell I already know it
Your body language, your voice
They already show it
Just be decisive, direct…make the killing swift
Don’t delay the inevitable, throw the damn switch
My heart already locked in the chair
No need for last rites, or feigned extra care
So just step up and do it
I’m fed up waiting,
Just go through with it
Late night, Unable to sleep,
Looking at the time….
Wondering what you’re thinking,
What’s on your mind…
Why you don’t pick up the phone
I mean, I know something is wrong…
Yet here I sit, twisting in the wind
Damn, just tell me what the fuck is up
Let the suspense end
Why do women so this shit?
Must be the nice guy curse…
I feel bad…I don’t wanna hurt him
Just making the shit worse
I mean dammit, I’m a man, I can handle what you gotta say
Just don’t play, make me wait day after day
When it’s clear you’re no longer down
And want this to go away
I know what’s coming, just waiting for it to come around the bend
The hurt, the pain are already starting to set in
You’re as good as gone, hell I already know it
Your body language, your voice
They already show it
Just be decisive, direct…make the killing swift
Don’t delay the inevitable, throw the damn switch
My heart already locked in the chair
No need for last rites, or feigned extra care
So just step up and do it
I’m fed up waiting,
Just go through with it
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Round Midnight (The Degree, Now What?)
Stranded.....
Stuck......
Life at a dead end....
Stuck in a desert of uncertainty
After years of hard work, bustin' my ass
Pullin' all nighters, going to class..
Pilin' up loan debt with each course I pass
All in hopes of reaching my dreams, at last
Instead optimism has landed with a crash
and I sit here depressed going nowhere fast
So what about the AMERICAN DREAM???
Live right, work hard and the world is at your feet?
Well this shit is a nightmare, all I see is defeat
Two degrees and can't get a decent paying job
so frustrated it's hard not to sob
Overqualified/Underqualified..no positions available
Tempted to go find money under the table
Is this what I worked so hard for?
Just another brotha locked outside the door
Of opportunity, given no chance to make a living
my confidence shook, so hard to remain driven..
And I wonder if it was all worth it
or if this so called golden path is really paved in bullshit
A life of fulfillment that's never arrived
Left to struggle just to survive....
© Copyright James Leon Smith 2000 All Rights Reserved
Stranded.....
Stuck......
Life at a dead end....
Stuck in a desert of uncertainty
After years of hard work, bustin' my ass
Pullin' all nighters, going to class..
Pilin' up loan debt with each course I pass
All in hopes of reaching my dreams, at last
Instead optimism has landed with a crash
and I sit here depressed going nowhere fast
So what about the AMERICAN DREAM???
Live right, work hard and the world is at your feet?
Well this shit is a nightmare, all I see is defeat
Two degrees and can't get a decent paying job
so frustrated it's hard not to sob
Overqualified/Underqualified..no positions available
Tempted to go find money under the table
Is this what I worked so hard for?
Just another brotha locked outside the door
Of opportunity, given no chance to make a living
my confidence shook, so hard to remain driven..
And I wonder if it was all worth it
or if this so called golden path is really paved in bullshit
A life of fulfillment that's never arrived
Left to struggle just to survive....
© Copyright James Leon Smith 2000 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Endangered Species
I've taken up residence
In the state of confusion
Though not of my choosin'
Wrapped in frustration
My mind free? Never
Cuz inspite of activist endeavors
young cats who think they clever
get locked down in cages
for what seems like forever
Lured into the pitfalls of a system
that targets/profiles/has it in for them
Yet they're blinded by ice,
the money to spend
rims that spin
fashion and status
pussy and fast friends
Unaware that the life of pushin' white
Is destined for a brutal and unfortunate end
with mamas cryin' at the sight of their babies dyin'
in the street, or juries in courtrooms deliverin'
verdicts of defeat
Yet in spite of the end of this tale, it never fails
that as one life is lost to the grave or to jail
another steps up deceived that he can prevail
deal with the devil on the highway to hell
vicious cycle never curtailed
generations lost like a child down a well...
creating an endengered species...
the black male
© Copyright, James Leon Smith, Jr, 2005. All Rights Reserved
I've taken up residence
In the state of confusion
Though not of my choosin'
Wrapped in frustration
My mind free? Never
Cuz inspite of activist endeavors
young cats who think they clever
get locked down in cages
for what seems like forever
Lured into the pitfalls of a system
that targets/profiles/has it in for them
Yet they're blinded by ice,
the money to spend
rims that spin
fashion and status
pussy and fast friends
Unaware that the life of pushin' white
Is destined for a brutal and unfortunate end
with mamas cryin' at the sight of their babies dyin'
in the street, or juries in courtrooms deliverin'
verdicts of defeat
Yet in spite of the end of this tale, it never fails
that as one life is lost to the grave or to jail
another steps up deceived that he can prevail
deal with the devil on the highway to hell
vicious cycle never curtailed
generations lost like a child down a well...
creating an endengered species...
the black male
© Copyright, James Leon Smith, Jr, 2005. All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Is Marriage (And Commitment) Dead?
I read a fascinating article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones titled Marriage is for White People. The article spoke of the fact that today it would appear that many, particularly in the black community, have dispensed with the idea of marriage altogether.
She cited statistics that showed that the marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.
How did it get here? How has the thought process shifted to such an extent marriage now seems unnecessary or unattainable? I mean if you look at the numbers, a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin.
This article both made me think and made me sad. It goes deeper than just the institution of marriage. I look at some of the statements included in the article and it shows that the whole notion of intimacy and partnership are seemingly being cast aside in our society. Its as if people have become so completely self-absorbed and superficial that they no longer care to open themselves up emotionally or truly share themselves with anyone.
Dont get me wrong, I am not one of those marry just to marry people. I dont believe that marriage is something you do just because you reach "the right age". It bothers me that many people treat it as just another accomplishment, something to bolster the image of possessing the American dream. For some, marriage falls somewhere in between the college degree, the SUV note and the house with the white picket fence on the list if of things needed for the image of success. This is incredibly shallow, and its many of these situations that end up in the 50% divorce rate. Still, clearly marriages and relationships of substance have been on the wane, and given the mentality of folks today I wonder if this trend wont continue.
Its almost as if the society has collectively just given up on the notion of life-long partnerships and connections of substance. Everyone cites how most people are, their past hurt and pain, bad break-ups, etc. It seems that once upon a time, bad experiences were considered a rite of passage, a learning experience that better prepared us for greater blessings down the road. Those bad relationships and bad romantic decisions in turn laying the foundation for an older, wiser version of ourselves who truly could appreciate a good relationship when it does arrive. Now, people get burned or hurt and they simply quit.give up.cease believing altogether.
There are a lot of people who, in the end, are inherently selfish. They seek the benefits of a relationship without having to ever open up or truly give of themselves. It creates almost a game for many, trying to get as much out of a situation while giving up as little as possible. This is the antithesis of what makes a marriage or long term relationship, which is founded upon mutual support, opening up and sharing emotionally and being there totally for someone else and having the trust that they will do the same. This level of self-absorption and narcissism is what really, in my view, undermines marriages and real relationships. People are boldly proclaiming a Gotta get mine mentality at all costs, with no interest in giving of themselves or being there for anyone else.
One of the most cited fears in the article was people feeling that they would lose their individuality or independence in a marriage. This rings a littel hollow to me. A true relationship of substance does not curb or destroy individuality or independence. If anything, it can enhance it given a spirit of mutual respect and support. There'snothing better than someone who truly loves you for who you are and who encourages you to chase the desires of your heart. The fears of losing individuality happen when you involve yourself with someone insecure in themselves. If someone is secure and truly knows what love means, they do everything they can to help you reach your dreams, with the knowledge that you will do the same.
Personally, I have not given up. Its certainly discouraging at times, but I refuse to believe that the whole world has collectively ceased to give a shit. I wont allow myself to think that everyone is too selfish to actually want to give as well as receive, or that no one is willing to take the leap of faith that finding real love is. And thats just it, marriage and real love is never a sure thing as you dont know what the future holds. Its about putting yourself out there and trusting when its not easy to do. It takes guts, really. Terminally jaded people out there are quick to dismiss anyone with hope and optimism as being nave or foolish. I laugh at that. I believe that people with true strength acknowledge all the negatives and still having the faith to believe in the possibilities. I just wish more people did.
The Article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html
I read a fascinating article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones titled Marriage is for White People. The article spoke of the fact that today it would appear that many, particularly in the black community, have dispensed with the idea of marriage altogether.
She cited statistics that showed that the marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.
How did it get here? How has the thought process shifted to such an extent marriage now seems unnecessary or unattainable? I mean if you look at the numbers, a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin.
This article both made me think and made me sad. It goes deeper than just the institution of marriage. I look at some of the statements included in the article and it shows that the whole notion of intimacy and partnership are seemingly being cast aside in our society. Its as if people have become so completely self-absorbed and superficial that they no longer care to open themselves up emotionally or truly share themselves with anyone.
Dont get me wrong, I am not one of those marry just to marry people. I dont believe that marriage is something you do just because you reach "the right age". It bothers me that many people treat it as just another accomplishment, something to bolster the image of possessing the American dream. For some, marriage falls somewhere in between the college degree, the SUV note and the house with the white picket fence on the list if of things needed for the image of success. This is incredibly shallow, and its many of these situations that end up in the 50% divorce rate. Still, clearly marriages and relationships of substance have been on the wane, and given the mentality of folks today I wonder if this trend wont continue.
Its almost as if the society has collectively just given up on the notion of life-long partnerships and connections of substance. Everyone cites how most people are, their past hurt and pain, bad break-ups, etc. It seems that once upon a time, bad experiences were considered a rite of passage, a learning experience that better prepared us for greater blessings down the road. Those bad relationships and bad romantic decisions in turn laying the foundation for an older, wiser version of ourselves who truly could appreciate a good relationship when it does arrive. Now, people get burned or hurt and they simply quit.give up.cease believing altogether.
There are a lot of people who, in the end, are inherently selfish. They seek the benefits of a relationship without having to ever open up or truly give of themselves. It creates almost a game for many, trying to get as much out of a situation while giving up as little as possible. This is the antithesis of what makes a marriage or long term relationship, which is founded upon mutual support, opening up and sharing emotionally and being there totally for someone else and having the trust that they will do the same. This level of self-absorption and narcissism is what really, in my view, undermines marriages and real relationships. People are boldly proclaiming a Gotta get mine mentality at all costs, with no interest in giving of themselves or being there for anyone else.
One of the most cited fears in the article was people feeling that they would lose their individuality or independence in a marriage. This rings a littel hollow to me. A true relationship of substance does not curb or destroy individuality or independence. If anything, it can enhance it given a spirit of mutual respect and support. There'snothing better than someone who truly loves you for who you are and who encourages you to chase the desires of your heart. The fears of losing individuality happen when you involve yourself with someone insecure in themselves. If someone is secure and truly knows what love means, they do everything they can to help you reach your dreams, with the knowledge that you will do the same.
Personally, I have not given up. Its certainly discouraging at times, but I refuse to believe that the whole world has collectively ceased to give a shit. I wont allow myself to think that everyone is too selfish to actually want to give as well as receive, or that no one is willing to take the leap of faith that finding real love is. And thats just it, marriage and real love is never a sure thing as you dont know what the future holds. Its about putting yourself out there and trusting when its not easy to do. It takes guts, really. Terminally jaded people out there are quick to dismiss anyone with hope and optimism as being nave or foolish. I laugh at that. I believe that people with true strength acknowledge all the negatives and still having the faith to believe in the possibilities. I just wish more people did.
The Article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Tsotsi
Folks you have to see this movie. I cannot recommend a film any more. This movie, which won the Academy Award for best foreign language film this year, is powerful, emotionally challenging.....It's a redemption story really....hard to watch in some spots but ultimately empowering.
The film really made me think. It shows that regardless of the scars we may have from our childhood or upbringing...regardless of the tough times we have in our lives and how bruised they may have left us emotionally and spiritually.....we can begin the process of healing ourselves through caring for and being there for others...
This movie definately goes in the all time favorites category...
Folks you have to see this movie. I cannot recommend a film any more. This movie, which won the Academy Award for best foreign language film this year, is powerful, emotionally challenging.....It's a redemption story really....hard to watch in some spots but ultimately empowering.
The film really made me think. It shows that regardless of the scars we may have from our childhood or upbringing...regardless of the tough times we have in our lives and how bruised they may have left us emotionally and spiritually.....we can begin the process of healing ourselves through caring for and being there for others...
This movie definately goes in the all time favorites category...
I love Sade....But I can't agree with her
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
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