Is Marriage (And Commitment) Dead?

I read a fascinating article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones titled Marriage is for White People. The article spoke of the fact that today it would appear that many, particularly in the black community, have dispensed with the idea of marriage altogether.
She cited statistics that showed that the marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.
How did it get here? How has the thought process shifted to such an extent marriage now seems unnecessary or unattainable? I mean if you look at the numbers, a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin.
This article both made me think and made me sad. It goes deeper than just the institution of marriage. I look at some of the statements included in the article and it shows that the whole notion of intimacy and partnership are seemingly being cast aside in our society. Its as if people have become so completely self-absorbed and superficial that they no longer care to open themselves up emotionally or truly share themselves with anyone.

Dont get me wrong, I am not one of those marry just to marry people. I dont believe that marriage is something you do just because you reach "the right age". It bothers me that many people treat it as just another accomplishment, something to bolster the image of possessing the American dream. For some, marriage falls somewhere in between the college degree, the SUV note and the house with the white picket fence on the list if of things needed for the image of success. This is incredibly shallow, and its many of these situations that end up in the 50% divorce rate. Still, clearly marriages and relationships of substance have been on the wane, and given the mentality of folks today I wonder if this trend wont continue.

Its almost as if the society has collectively just given up on the notion of life-long partnerships and connections of substance. Everyone cites how most people are, their past hurt and pain, bad break-ups, etc. It seems that once upon a time, bad experiences were considered a rite of passage, a learning experience that better prepared us for greater blessings down the road. Those bad relationships and bad romantic decisions in turn laying the foundation for an older, wiser version of ourselves who truly could appreciate a good relationship when it does arrive. Now, people get burned or hurt and they simply quit.give up.cease believing altogether.

There are a lot of people who, in the end, are inherently selfish. They seek the benefits of a relationship without having to ever open up or truly give of themselves. It creates almost a game for many, trying to get as much out of a situation while giving up as little as possible. This is the antithesis of what makes a marriage or long term relationship, which is founded upon mutual support, opening up and sharing emotionally and being there totally for someone else and having the trust that they will do the same. This level of self-absorption and narcissism is what really, in my view, undermines marriages and real relationships. People are boldly proclaiming a Gotta get mine mentality at all costs, with no interest in giving of themselves or being there for anyone else.

One of the most cited fears in the article was people feeling that they would lose their individuality or independence in a marriage. This rings a littel hollow to me. A true relationship of substance does not curb or destroy individuality or independence. If anything, it can enhance it given a spirit of mutual respect and support. There'snothing better than someone who truly loves you for who you are and who encourages you to chase the desires of your heart. The fears of losing individuality happen when you involve yourself with someone insecure in themselves. If someone is secure and truly knows what love means, they do everything they can to help you reach your dreams, with the knowledge that you will do the same.

Personally, I have not given up. Its certainly discouraging at times, but I refuse to believe that the whole world has collectively ceased to give a shit. I wont allow myself to think that everyone is too selfish to actually want to give as well as receive, or that no one is willing to take the leap of faith that finding real love is. And thats just it, marriage and real love is never a sure thing as you dont know what the future holds. Its about putting yourself out there and trusting when its not easy to do. It takes guts, really. Terminally jaded people out there are quick to dismiss anyone with hope and optimism as being nave or foolish. I laugh at that. I believe that people with true strength acknowledge all the negatives and still having the faith to believe in the possibilities. I just wish more people did.

The Article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html

Tsotsi

Folks you have to see this movie. I cannot recommend a film any more. This movie, which won the Academy Award for best foreign language film this year, is powerful, emotionally challenging.....It's a redemption story really....hard to watch in some spots but ultimately empowering.

The film really made me think. It shows that regardless of the scars we may have from our childhood or upbringing...regardless of the tough times we have in our lives and how bruised they may have left us emotionally and spiritually.....we can begin the process of healing ourselves through caring for and being there for others...

This movie definately goes in the all time favorites category...

I love Sade....But I can't agree with her

"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride

Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"

I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.

At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.

Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.

Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.

Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.