"He couldn't handle me girl....I think I intimidated him". "He just isn't on my level". "See, there just arent any good brothers out there".
Enough. Goddammit, enough!
Remember the scene in Boomerang when Eddie Murphy sneaks out of bed after sleeping with Lela Rachon because she had ugly feet? Asshole move, I know, but it was one of many funny scenes in the movie that many of us laughed at. If this same scene transpired in today's dating climate the reaction would have been different. Rather than wondering why Eddie's character didn't call again, the sister likely would have made the above statement over dinner and drinks with her girls to a chorus of "hmmm hmmmpt" and "I know that's right".
It's seems to be a general trend that professional, educated Black women are wholly embracing the idea that they intimidate Black men. This notion is used to justify why many professional women of color are single. It also is used to explain dates from hell, why he didn't call, why he won't committ and why he wants a divorce. I hear this explanation waved around more and more frequently.
"I can't get a man because they find my intelligence intimidating". "It's hard to find a man who isn't intimidated that I have a career and got my own house in order". These statements are often met with a roomful of emphatetic female heads nodding in agreement. It just seems as though this notion is becoming the African-American woman's worldview on dating. And i'm not sure that's a good thing. If anything I think it's a drastic misconception that can only serve to widen the gap between black men and black women, many of whom have it together.
In truth, a brother may have many reasons why he chooses not to pursue a sister, or any woman for that matter. Maybe he's not intimidated by her degree but bored by her inability to converse about any topics outside of her job. Maybe her successful career doesn't intimidate him, but after numerous canceled dates he assumes she is playing games and doesn't want to play along. Maybe he isn't imtimidated by her mortgage and car note, but put off by what he perceives as materialism. Maybe he just wasn't feeling a connection. There are many things that go into compatibility and chemistry. Building relationships is not just a matter of "matching resumes".......it's a matter of finding someone with common interests, a common world view, and a level of chemistry that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional. And those things can be found in many places, without respect to race, social status or income level.
And in the end, I find the whole notion to be nothing more than an ego trip. There have been times where i've heard through a 3rd party that someone was "feelin" me, rather than hearing about it directly from the source. But never in a million years would I sit there and think or assume that someone who didn't approach me, or whom I approached but wasn't swayed by my charms, found me intimidating. Instead, I step back and assess the situation......I check my breath, make sure nothing is hanging out my nose, make sure my zipper isn't open or any other goofy, absent minded thing i'm known to do. Maybe I wonder if I said something corny or wonder if I just came up short on wit or cool. Or, most often, I just shrug my shoulders, think "I'm just not her cup of tea", don't take it the least bit personally, and keep it moving on to the next one. In the end, no person, no matter how accomplished, is going to be right for everyone. If one person isn't feeling me, that's okay. There are plenty of others out there who hopefully will.
Unfortunately, it seems this type of reality cheek doesn't happen as often anymore with a lot of sisters. I think hiding behing the defense mechanism of "he's intimidated" may cause many sisters to lose the capacity to be thoughtfully self-critical or truly objective in assessing things in the dating world. It's like the "Blame-a-Broter" philosophy is just easier, where every issue, from the bad date to the ugly divorce, reflects the shortcoming or failure of a man. It's our fault.
This whole notion of "intimidation" seems to be another weapon in what I fear is the growing battle, and distance, between black men and women. It's not always a fair assumption. If a man doesn't follow through, well, sometimes that's just life and the way it goes. As men, we deal with rejection all the time. It's not that serious. It may not have had anything to do with you being too black, strong, intelligent or well off. Maybe as he spotted you from across the bar he felt you were too young , old, tall, short, thick or thin for his taste. Maybe he really did enjoy your company on that date, but he just decided to go in another direction with someone else. Maybe "HE" actually got a promotion at work, has to move and just didn't see the point of continuing. Whatever the reason, chill, don't sweat it. After all, if he's not intimidated, then he's probably gay and on the DL anyway. Yeah, that's it! Hahahaha......Ahhh, I kid because I care.....
