I Love Sade, But I Don't Agree With Her
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
© Copyright James Leon Smith, Jr. 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
People Perpetuating Their Own Heartache and Drama
6/23/06
It just makes me sad to see it....and I see it so often. I look around and I see so many people walking around like slaves....They enslave themselves, becoming jaded, bitter.....refusing to see the possibilities of life. These folks are unable to be happy, unable or unwilling to seize the day and reach their ultimate potential. And in the end, that fact isn't because life isn't fair. It is because of their own choices.
Life isn't unfair. Life isn't bad. Life just is. Life does what it does and owes us nothing. Happiness in this world is all in how we respond to the ups and down, the celebrations and the trials, the good moments and the bad. Tough times are going to come, disappointments are going to happen. There are going to be moments where we hurt so much we feel like dying. In the end, we have to let go of the pain and the disappointments, take the time to heal and rebuild ourselves and move forward. There are many things that will happen that we cannot control. What we can control is whether or not we allow these things to break out spirit. And that is something none of us can ever allow to happen if we are to ever be happy. Happiness is the ability to roll with the punches, to let go of toxic things that seek to burden our spirits, to learn and grow from our mistakes so that we become strong and wise enough to overcome any challenges we may face.
People don't do this though. They hold on. Hold on when doing so is totally not in their best interest. They refuse to accept the reality that life is laying right in front of their eyes. They give up hope. In relationships, there are people who will recognize that a situation does not work, that it is not good or healthy for them. Yet in their mind, they think that it can, so they ignore the obvious reality and stay and try to make the unworkable work. In life, there are people who will get in in their mind that a certain career path or direction is the one. Yet when it doesn't work, they get give up all hope and allow their talents, which could thrive on another path, to fester and crust over.You get people in these circumstances who are not living. They go through life like zombies, biding time until they die.
The eye can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy placing your focus on what doesn't work, you will miss out on something that can. People push away and screw up things with amazing people and potential soulmates every day because they'd rather focus on fixing a broken ship that can never sail. It never fails that the most jaded people when it comes to relationships are the ones who refuse to emotionally move on from the same fuck-up who has been bringing them nothing but strife for years. People let their academic and professional potential go unfulfilled, because they sink into the disappointment of a failure and give up hope. They will not even try to embark down a path that could bring them fulfillment because they are too busy sulking that what THEY thought should have worked, didn't. In these circumstances people fail to see that the failure of these things is a blessing in disguise because, as much as they have it fixed in their mind that it was the "one" or the ultimate, it WASN'T. Instead of moving on and continuing to search, they stop believing in the possibilities. And life, no matter how hard it is, is full of possibilities. Happiness lies behind various doors, if only people have the courage and strength to knock on them.
So many people use hurt as their justification. They allow the pain of getting their heart broken, the pain of not having their plans work out as they wanted erode their confidence. Well people, let me give you a big news flash. Pain is a part of life. It's like breathing and eating. It is something that we cannot escape. There is pain as we are birthed into the world. There is often pain as we die. And pain will be a part of our experience as we go through the daily paces of life. The flip side of pain is that in every painful moment lies opportunity. There is a lesson that we can learn to get wiser. There is strength in overcoming it. There is the fulfillment or evolving into a better person for having endured. You can let pain break you or you can use it to make you. Your choice.
And in the end it's all about choices......personal responsibility. If that relationship doesn't work, it's because it's NOT meant to be, because that person is NOT the one. If that career path doesn't work out it's because it's NOT what your calling and destiny is. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can open our hearts and minds to the possibilities and great potential that life has. The sooner we can embrace our destiny and the happiness that lies out there for all of us. If people choose to hold onto bad relationships, or sulk in self-pity, then they need to cut the jaded act and look in the mirror. They may not be happy, but it's due to their own behavior. They are like people in an unlocked jail cell. They can walk out at their choosing. They just need to let go of the bars and walk out the door.
© 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.
6/23/06
It just makes me sad to see it....and I see it so often. I look around and I see so many people walking around like slaves....They enslave themselves, becoming jaded, bitter.....refusing to see the possibilities of life. These folks are unable to be happy, unable or unwilling to seize the day and reach their ultimate potential. And in the end, that fact isn't because life isn't fair. It is because of their own choices.
Life isn't unfair. Life isn't bad. Life just is. Life does what it does and owes us nothing. Happiness in this world is all in how we respond to the ups and down, the celebrations and the trials, the good moments and the bad. Tough times are going to come, disappointments are going to happen. There are going to be moments where we hurt so much we feel like dying. In the end, we have to let go of the pain and the disappointments, take the time to heal and rebuild ourselves and move forward. There are many things that will happen that we cannot control. What we can control is whether or not we allow these things to break out spirit. And that is something none of us can ever allow to happen if we are to ever be happy. Happiness is the ability to roll with the punches, to let go of toxic things that seek to burden our spirits, to learn and grow from our mistakes so that we become strong and wise enough to overcome any challenges we may face.
People don't do this though. They hold on. Hold on when doing so is totally not in their best interest. They refuse to accept the reality that life is laying right in front of their eyes. They give up hope. In relationships, there are people who will recognize that a situation does not work, that it is not good or healthy for them. Yet in their mind, they think that it can, so they ignore the obvious reality and stay and try to make the unworkable work. In life, there are people who will get in in their mind that a certain career path or direction is the one. Yet when it doesn't work, they get give up all hope and allow their talents, which could thrive on another path, to fester and crust over.You get people in these circumstances who are not living. They go through life like zombies, biding time until they die.
The eye can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy placing your focus on what doesn't work, you will miss out on something that can. People push away and screw up things with amazing people and potential soulmates every day because they'd rather focus on fixing a broken ship that can never sail. It never fails that the most jaded people when it comes to relationships are the ones who refuse to emotionally move on from the same fuck-up who has been bringing them nothing but strife for years. People let their academic and professional potential go unfulfilled, because they sink into the disappointment of a failure and give up hope. They will not even try to embark down a path that could bring them fulfillment because they are too busy sulking that what THEY thought should have worked, didn't. In these circumstances people fail to see that the failure of these things is a blessing in disguise because, as much as they have it fixed in their mind that it was the "one" or the ultimate, it WASN'T. Instead of moving on and continuing to search, they stop believing in the possibilities. And life, no matter how hard it is, is full of possibilities. Happiness lies behind various doors, if only people have the courage and strength to knock on them.
So many people use hurt as their justification. They allow the pain of getting their heart broken, the pain of not having their plans work out as they wanted erode their confidence. Well people, let me give you a big news flash. Pain is a part of life. It's like breathing and eating. It is something that we cannot escape. There is pain as we are birthed into the world. There is often pain as we die. And pain will be a part of our experience as we go through the daily paces of life. The flip side of pain is that in every painful moment lies opportunity. There is a lesson that we can learn to get wiser. There is strength in overcoming it. There is the fulfillment or evolving into a better person for having endured. You can let pain break you or you can use it to make you. Your choice.
And in the end it's all about choices......personal responsibility. If that relationship doesn't work, it's because it's NOT meant to be, because that person is NOT the one. If that career path doesn't work out it's because it's NOT what your calling and destiny is. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can open our hearts and minds to the possibilities and great potential that life has. The sooner we can embrace our destiny and the happiness that lies out there for all of us. If people choose to hold onto bad relationships, or sulk in self-pity, then they need to cut the jaded act and look in the mirror. They may not be happy, but it's due to their own behavior. They are like people in an unlocked jail cell. They can walk out at their choosing. They just need to let go of the bars and walk out the door.
© 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Follow up to "The Break Up" - Cowards in The Name of Kindness...
There is nothing worse than this scenario: Knowing a relationship is dying yet having someone who claims to love you not respect you enough to come honest and real and just lay it all out there. If it's not working, then it's not working. If you are no longer feeling a situation, just be straight up and real about it. Have a backbone and say what needs to be said. I can't stand it when someone says "I dont want to be mean" or "I dont want to hurt them", all the while they continue in a relationship they dont want to be in. What's mean and hurtful is staying in a relationship and not giving your all to it. What's mean is living a lie, saying that things are okay when they are not. It's hurtful to cut off affection when you are no longer feeling them. What's wrong is sticking around keeping a relationship on life support while straying outside it to look for others.There is nothing nice about leading someone on rather than giving them clarity and doing what needs to be done so both people can move forward and be happy.
Coming straight up may seem harsh, but honesty IS the best policy. The truth hurts, but in the end it's something that real people will always respect. Plus, when you hold back the truth and dont tell someone how you feel, you are really calling them weak. You are saying that they cannot handle the truth. That it will break them so you have to shelter them from the horrible hurt. I take that approach as an insult and a slap in the face. I mean b**** please, get over yourself....i've been through all the crazy and difficult times i've seen in my life and kept standing, endured things you can't imagine...but you think I cant handle the word no from *you*....PUH-lease. I believe the feigned extra care is really a cop out from people who dont have the spine and nerve to be honest and to be really real.
If you keep it honest and just break it off, people may be angry or hurt, but in the end you can leave a relationship with respect. And because of that respect you have the opportunity to be friends at some point. If you dont, them people stray, they cheat, they argue.....feelings end up getting hurt a lot more and respect ends up getting lost. You end up losing someone from your life altoghether. So many people talk about keeping it real. Well in this situation, it's as real as it gets. And people need to show and prove.
There is nothing worse than this scenario: Knowing a relationship is dying yet having someone who claims to love you not respect you enough to come honest and real and just lay it all out there. If it's not working, then it's not working. If you are no longer feeling a situation, just be straight up and real about it. Have a backbone and say what needs to be said. I can't stand it when someone says "I dont want to be mean" or "I dont want to hurt them", all the while they continue in a relationship they dont want to be in. What's mean and hurtful is staying in a relationship and not giving your all to it. What's mean is living a lie, saying that things are okay when they are not. It's hurtful to cut off affection when you are no longer feeling them. What's wrong is sticking around keeping a relationship on life support while straying outside it to look for others.There is nothing nice about leading someone on rather than giving them clarity and doing what needs to be done so both people can move forward and be happy.
Coming straight up may seem harsh, but honesty IS the best policy. The truth hurts, but in the end it's something that real people will always respect. Plus, when you hold back the truth and dont tell someone how you feel, you are really calling them weak. You are saying that they cannot handle the truth. That it will break them so you have to shelter them from the horrible hurt. I take that approach as an insult and a slap in the face. I mean b**** please, get over yourself....i've been through all the crazy and difficult times i've seen in my life and kept standing, endured things you can't imagine...but you think I cant handle the word no from *you*....PUH-lease. I believe the feigned extra care is really a cop out from people who dont have the spine and nerve to be honest and to be really real.
If you keep it honest and just break it off, people may be angry or hurt, but in the end you can leave a relationship with respect. And because of that respect you have the opportunity to be friends at some point. If you dont, them people stray, they cheat, they argue.....feelings end up getting hurt a lot more and respect ends up getting lost. You end up losing someone from your life altoghether. So many people talk about keeping it real. Well in this situation, it's as real as it gets. And people need to show and prove.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Break Up
Late night, Unable to sleep,
Looking at the time….
Wondering what you’re thinking,
What’s on your mind…
Why you don’t pick up the phone
I mean, I know something is wrong…
Yet here I sit, twisting in the wind
Damn, just tell me what the fuck is up
Let the suspense end
Why do women so this shit?
Must be the nice guy curse…
I feel bad…I don’t wanna hurt him
Just making the shit worse
I mean dammit, I’m a man, I can handle what you gotta say
Just don’t play, make me wait day after day
When it’s clear you’re no longer down
And want this to go away
I know what’s coming, just waiting for it to come around the bend
The hurt, the pain are already starting to set in
You’re as good as gone, hell I already know it
Your body language, your voice
They already show it
Just be decisive, direct…make the killing swift
Don’t delay the inevitable, throw the damn switch
My heart already locked in the chair
No need for last rites, or feigned extra care
So just step up and do it
I’m fed up waiting,
Just go through with it
Late night, Unable to sleep,
Looking at the time….
Wondering what you’re thinking,
What’s on your mind…
Why you don’t pick up the phone
I mean, I know something is wrong…
Yet here I sit, twisting in the wind
Damn, just tell me what the fuck is up
Let the suspense end
Why do women so this shit?
Must be the nice guy curse…
I feel bad…I don’t wanna hurt him
Just making the shit worse
I mean dammit, I’m a man, I can handle what you gotta say
Just don’t play, make me wait day after day
When it’s clear you’re no longer down
And want this to go away
I know what’s coming, just waiting for it to come around the bend
The hurt, the pain are already starting to set in
You’re as good as gone, hell I already know it
Your body language, your voice
They already show it
Just be decisive, direct…make the killing swift
Don’t delay the inevitable, throw the damn switch
My heart already locked in the chair
No need for last rites, or feigned extra care
So just step up and do it
I’m fed up waiting,
Just go through with it
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Round Midnight (The Degree, Now What?)
Stranded.....
Stuck......
Life at a dead end....
Stuck in a desert of uncertainty
After years of hard work, bustin' my ass
Pullin' all nighters, going to class..
Pilin' up loan debt with each course I pass
All in hopes of reaching my dreams, at last
Instead optimism has landed with a crash
and I sit here depressed going nowhere fast
So what about the AMERICAN DREAM???
Live right, work hard and the world is at your feet?
Well this shit is a nightmare, all I see is defeat
Two degrees and can't get a decent paying job
so frustrated it's hard not to sob
Overqualified/Underqualified..no positions available
Tempted to go find money under the table
Is this what I worked so hard for?
Just another brotha locked outside the door
Of opportunity, given no chance to make a living
my confidence shook, so hard to remain driven..
And I wonder if it was all worth it
or if this so called golden path is really paved in bullshit
A life of fulfillment that's never arrived
Left to struggle just to survive....
© Copyright James Leon Smith 2000 All Rights Reserved
Stranded.....
Stuck......
Life at a dead end....
Stuck in a desert of uncertainty
After years of hard work, bustin' my ass
Pullin' all nighters, going to class..
Pilin' up loan debt with each course I pass
All in hopes of reaching my dreams, at last
Instead optimism has landed with a crash
and I sit here depressed going nowhere fast
So what about the AMERICAN DREAM???
Live right, work hard and the world is at your feet?
Well this shit is a nightmare, all I see is defeat
Two degrees and can't get a decent paying job
so frustrated it's hard not to sob
Overqualified/Underqualified..no positions available
Tempted to go find money under the table
Is this what I worked so hard for?
Just another brotha locked outside the door
Of opportunity, given no chance to make a living
my confidence shook, so hard to remain driven..
And I wonder if it was all worth it
or if this so called golden path is really paved in bullshit
A life of fulfillment that's never arrived
Left to struggle just to survive....
© Copyright James Leon Smith 2000 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Endangered Species
I've taken up residence
In the state of confusion
Though not of my choosin'
Wrapped in frustration
My mind free? Never
Cuz inspite of activist endeavors
young cats who think they clever
get locked down in cages
for what seems like forever
Lured into the pitfalls of a system
that targets/profiles/has it in for them
Yet they're blinded by ice,
the money to spend
rims that spin
fashion and status
pussy and fast friends
Unaware that the life of pushin' white
Is destined for a brutal and unfortunate end
with mamas cryin' at the sight of their babies dyin'
in the street, or juries in courtrooms deliverin'
verdicts of defeat
Yet in spite of the end of this tale, it never fails
that as one life is lost to the grave or to jail
another steps up deceived that he can prevail
deal with the devil on the highway to hell
vicious cycle never curtailed
generations lost like a child down a well...
creating an endengered species...
the black male
© Copyright, James Leon Smith, Jr, 2005. All Rights Reserved
I've taken up residence
In the state of confusion
Though not of my choosin'
Wrapped in frustration
My mind free? Never
Cuz inspite of activist endeavors
young cats who think they clever
get locked down in cages
for what seems like forever
Lured into the pitfalls of a system
that targets/profiles/has it in for them
Yet they're blinded by ice,
the money to spend
rims that spin
fashion and status
pussy and fast friends
Unaware that the life of pushin' white
Is destined for a brutal and unfortunate end
with mamas cryin' at the sight of their babies dyin'
in the street, or juries in courtrooms deliverin'
verdicts of defeat
Yet in spite of the end of this tale, it never fails
that as one life is lost to the grave or to jail
another steps up deceived that he can prevail
deal with the devil on the highway to hell
vicious cycle never curtailed
generations lost like a child down a well...
creating an endengered species...
the black male
© Copyright, James Leon Smith, Jr, 2005. All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Is Marriage (And Commitment) Dead?
I read a fascinating article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones titled Marriage is for White People. The article spoke of the fact that today it would appear that many, particularly in the black community, have dispensed with the idea of marriage altogether.
She cited statistics that showed that the marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.
How did it get here? How has the thought process shifted to such an extent marriage now seems unnecessary or unattainable? I mean if you look at the numbers, a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin.
This article both made me think and made me sad. It goes deeper than just the institution of marriage. I look at some of the statements included in the article and it shows that the whole notion of intimacy and partnership are seemingly being cast aside in our society. Its as if people have become so completely self-absorbed and superficial that they no longer care to open themselves up emotionally or truly share themselves with anyone.
Dont get me wrong, I am not one of those marry just to marry people. I dont believe that marriage is something you do just because you reach "the right age". It bothers me that many people treat it as just another accomplishment, something to bolster the image of possessing the American dream. For some, marriage falls somewhere in between the college degree, the SUV note and the house with the white picket fence on the list if of things needed for the image of success. This is incredibly shallow, and its many of these situations that end up in the 50% divorce rate. Still, clearly marriages and relationships of substance have been on the wane, and given the mentality of folks today I wonder if this trend wont continue.
Its almost as if the society has collectively just given up on the notion of life-long partnerships and connections of substance. Everyone cites how most people are, their past hurt and pain, bad break-ups, etc. It seems that once upon a time, bad experiences were considered a rite of passage, a learning experience that better prepared us for greater blessings down the road. Those bad relationships and bad romantic decisions in turn laying the foundation for an older, wiser version of ourselves who truly could appreciate a good relationship when it does arrive. Now, people get burned or hurt and they simply quit.give up.cease believing altogether.
There are a lot of people who, in the end, are inherently selfish. They seek the benefits of a relationship without having to ever open up or truly give of themselves. It creates almost a game for many, trying to get as much out of a situation while giving up as little as possible. This is the antithesis of what makes a marriage or long term relationship, which is founded upon mutual support, opening up and sharing emotionally and being there totally for someone else and having the trust that they will do the same. This level of self-absorption and narcissism is what really, in my view, undermines marriages and real relationships. People are boldly proclaiming a Gotta get mine mentality at all costs, with no interest in giving of themselves or being there for anyone else.
One of the most cited fears in the article was people feeling that they would lose their individuality or independence in a marriage. This rings a littel hollow to me. A true relationship of substance does not curb or destroy individuality or independence. If anything, it can enhance it given a spirit of mutual respect and support. There'snothing better than someone who truly loves you for who you are and who encourages you to chase the desires of your heart. The fears of losing individuality happen when you involve yourself with someone insecure in themselves. If someone is secure and truly knows what love means, they do everything they can to help you reach your dreams, with the knowledge that you will do the same.
Personally, I have not given up. Its certainly discouraging at times, but I refuse to believe that the whole world has collectively ceased to give a shit. I wont allow myself to think that everyone is too selfish to actually want to give as well as receive, or that no one is willing to take the leap of faith that finding real love is. And thats just it, marriage and real love is never a sure thing as you dont know what the future holds. Its about putting yourself out there and trusting when its not easy to do. It takes guts, really. Terminally jaded people out there are quick to dismiss anyone with hope and optimism as being nave or foolish. I laugh at that. I believe that people with true strength acknowledge all the negatives and still having the faith to believe in the possibilities. I just wish more people did.
The Article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html
I read a fascinating article in the Washington Post by Joy Jones titled Marriage is for White People. The article spoke of the fact that today it would appear that many, particularly in the black community, have dispensed with the idea of marriage altogether.
She cited statistics that showed that the marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.
How did it get here? How has the thought process shifted to such an extent marriage now seems unnecessary or unattainable? I mean if you look at the numbers, a black child was more likely to grow up living with both parents during slavery days than he or she is today, according to sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin.
This article both made me think and made me sad. It goes deeper than just the institution of marriage. I look at some of the statements included in the article and it shows that the whole notion of intimacy and partnership are seemingly being cast aside in our society. Its as if people have become so completely self-absorbed and superficial that they no longer care to open themselves up emotionally or truly share themselves with anyone.
Dont get me wrong, I am not one of those marry just to marry people. I dont believe that marriage is something you do just because you reach "the right age". It bothers me that many people treat it as just another accomplishment, something to bolster the image of possessing the American dream. For some, marriage falls somewhere in between the college degree, the SUV note and the house with the white picket fence on the list if of things needed for the image of success. This is incredibly shallow, and its many of these situations that end up in the 50% divorce rate. Still, clearly marriages and relationships of substance have been on the wane, and given the mentality of folks today I wonder if this trend wont continue.
Its almost as if the society has collectively just given up on the notion of life-long partnerships and connections of substance. Everyone cites how most people are, their past hurt and pain, bad break-ups, etc. It seems that once upon a time, bad experiences were considered a rite of passage, a learning experience that better prepared us for greater blessings down the road. Those bad relationships and bad romantic decisions in turn laying the foundation for an older, wiser version of ourselves who truly could appreciate a good relationship when it does arrive. Now, people get burned or hurt and they simply quit.give up.cease believing altogether.
There are a lot of people who, in the end, are inherently selfish. They seek the benefits of a relationship without having to ever open up or truly give of themselves. It creates almost a game for many, trying to get as much out of a situation while giving up as little as possible. This is the antithesis of what makes a marriage or long term relationship, which is founded upon mutual support, opening up and sharing emotionally and being there totally for someone else and having the trust that they will do the same. This level of self-absorption and narcissism is what really, in my view, undermines marriages and real relationships. People are boldly proclaiming a Gotta get mine mentality at all costs, with no interest in giving of themselves or being there for anyone else.
One of the most cited fears in the article was people feeling that they would lose their individuality or independence in a marriage. This rings a littel hollow to me. A true relationship of substance does not curb or destroy individuality or independence. If anything, it can enhance it given a spirit of mutual respect and support. There'snothing better than someone who truly loves you for who you are and who encourages you to chase the desires of your heart. The fears of losing individuality happen when you involve yourself with someone insecure in themselves. If someone is secure and truly knows what love means, they do everything they can to help you reach your dreams, with the knowledge that you will do the same.
Personally, I have not given up. Its certainly discouraging at times, but I refuse to believe that the whole world has collectively ceased to give a shit. I wont allow myself to think that everyone is too selfish to actually want to give as well as receive, or that no one is willing to take the leap of faith that finding real love is. And thats just it, marriage and real love is never a sure thing as you dont know what the future holds. Its about putting yourself out there and trusting when its not easy to do. It takes guts, really. Terminally jaded people out there are quick to dismiss anyone with hope and optimism as being nave or foolish. I laugh at that. I believe that people with true strength acknowledge all the negatives and still having the faith to believe in the possibilities. I just wish more people did.
The Article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Tsotsi
Folks you have to see this movie. I cannot recommend a film any more. This movie, which won the Academy Award for best foreign language film this year, is powerful, emotionally challenging.....It's a redemption story really....hard to watch in some spots but ultimately empowering.
The film really made me think. It shows that regardless of the scars we may have from our childhood or upbringing...regardless of the tough times we have in our lives and how bruised they may have left us emotionally and spiritually.....we can begin the process of healing ourselves through caring for and being there for others...
This movie definately goes in the all time favorites category...
Folks you have to see this movie. I cannot recommend a film any more. This movie, which won the Academy Award for best foreign language film this year, is powerful, emotionally challenging.....It's a redemption story really....hard to watch in some spots but ultimately empowering.
The film really made me think. It shows that regardless of the scars we may have from our childhood or upbringing...regardless of the tough times we have in our lives and how bruised they may have left us emotionally and spiritually.....we can begin the process of healing ourselves through caring for and being there for others...
This movie definately goes in the all time favorites category...
I love Sade....But I can't agree with her
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
"I can't hate you, though I have tried......I still really, really love you...love is stronger than pride"
- Sade, Stronger Than Pride
Great song. Powerful like all of her works. It's interesting that I am running into so many people who truly live by the words of this song. Good people with good hearts who have so much difficulty letting go of unhealthy and toxic situations. Family members, friends, acquaintences.....everyone seems to be holding on for dear life to people that aren't worth holding on to. The reason....."Love"
I've been called cold....asked how the hell I just walk away....I had to sit and think about it. And I think the main thing is that a lot of folks have it twisted when it comes to love. They see love as something that is acquited from the outside. They seek validation from outside themselves to feel good inside. This is a trap that leads people into unhealthy situations. The reality is that love MUST come from inside out, not the other way around. Self-love is the most important thing we can have. We have to know who we are, what we want, what we desire, how we want to be treated. And stick to that with everyone, no matter how close they are.
At the end of the day, caring, or love, for someone else cannot trump your level of self-love and self-respect. When someone does not treat you with the appropriate level of love and respect they have to go. Or as I tend to say "drop the guillotine". It may sound harsh, but people who truly value you don't treat you the way they themselves would not want to be treated.
I know it's more difficult for some. I know it hurts....it's hard. That there can be longing after the fact. But with time and healing, those things get better and eventually go away. It's better to deal with those feelings than having to look in the mirror and know that you let yourself down by allowing yourself to be treated badly.
Strength is gained by sticking to your principles, by walking away and not loooking back, even if you feel like your heart is bleeding buckets inside. And if you dont do it, you never gain that strength, which is necessary in an increasingly harsh world.
Too many people lament on love and too few focus on pride. Pride alone should help us with walking away. You just can't allow people to treat you any kind of way in this world because if you allow it, folks will take those liberties, over and over. As much as we don't want to admit it, I think it's human nature, "love" or no. There are those select good souls who respect all those they come across. But there are far more people in this world for whom respect is earned...who will take advantage, trample over and make a doormat out of anyone who doesn't have the pride to stand up for themselves and for what they feel is right.
Maybe in my 32 trips around the sun, and in my 16 years of dealing with that wonderful spirit/sometimes-muthafucka named Love, i've just become a little calloused. I still believe in her. I still desire her. I still remember the happy and wonderful times she's given me. But i'm not trying to take any shit from anyone in her name. My buddy Pride makes sure of that.
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