What happened to the “Friend” in Girl/Boyfriend?

If I was your girlfriend, would U remember, 2 tell me all the things U forgot when I was your man? Hey hey, when I was your man…..

If I was your best friend, would U let me Take care of U, and do all the things that only a best friend can? Oh, only best friends can….

If I was your girlfriend, would U let me dress U I mean help U pick out your clothes before we go out?

Not that you're helpless, but sometime, sometime those are the things that being in love's about

If I was your one and only friend, would U run 2 me if somebody hurt U even if that somebody was me? Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be...
Prince, If I was your Girlfriend

I had to start off with some verses from the greatest of all time.

When I look at relationships, and dating, it seems like people are overlooking the most important thing that’s necessary for something to last long term….friendship. Look, I know looks are the initial draw. Hell, it’s chemistry. We are drawn to those whom we are attracted to. Charisma takes it to the next level. We all like being with someone who looks good, who has charm. We all like stepping out with someone on our arm and thinking “shiiiiit, we look good”. We all like sex…..Back scratching, furniture moving, hair pulling, sweaty, use-the-lords-name-in-vain, back-breakin’ sex. We like being with someone we respect, who is good at their chosen profession, who is good to people around them.

All of those things go into why we are drawn to people…why we get into relationships…or relations…with people. But in my view, none of those factors will happily keep you with someone. What’s necessary is being with someone who is truly your friend. Like Prince so perfectly says….someone that you tell everything to, that you really share it all with, that you lower your guard to. Someone whom you allow to help and be there for you….NOT that you can’t do it for yourself, but because sharing and doing it together brings you closer.

I think as men and women, many of us have gotten so into being strong, showing no weakness, no vulnerability. We open up sexually because, lets be honest, it’s self serving…..we are getting ours. We open up socially, because it’s self serving…..we get to be out with that person who is fine, who turns heads. But we avoid opening up emotionally because we fear being vulnerable, fear being in a position where someone could hurt us. But that opening up, builds trust…that trust builds connection…..it allows us to know that someone is a person we can depend on. It’s the ultimate selfless act. Allowing someone to touch us deeply, to be our friend, to love us…to trust someone to keep our secrets, be there for us when we’re sick, when we’re down. Not that we NEED someone to do that but because we WANT that one person we choose to be there with us through it all, good and bad. It’s letting down the wall and allowing someone stand by us and help us with the day to day trials of life.

I think the realities of life make us all a little hard. It makes us want to rely on self, and it makes us hesitant to trust…it’s a deceitful world out there. The bullshit of dating compounds that, as we run into so many people who want to get what they want from us without giving any of themselves…so we learn to hold ourselves close to the cuff too. We end up dating…and dating…and dating….and not ever getting deep. Or we get into relationships based on nothing but superficial and watch as they fade into obscurity. We look at their deficiencies, and use them as reasons why things don’t work out. But do we really put our best foot forward? Do we really take the time to know someone? To truly become their friend? To let someone in and befriend us? Do we let a preoccupation with how good they look, how chill they are or how great their “resume” is supersede whether they have the traits to be a good friend and companion to us?

I’m trying to constantly evolve and grow. I don’t know if I’ve really focused on friendship as much as I should have. I take great pride in my resilience and self-reliance, but if that runs amok it can hinder serious relationships. I don’t know that I’ve given people the opportunity to really come in and come close, or be there for me. I think you have to scale it back and let people befriend and love you. I do know it’s about so much more than just looks, sex, and the “resume”. That it’s someone who can really ride with me, be by my side when I’m not my best, when times are shitty (as well as when they are good). Someone I can act like the complete goof I can be sometimes with. Someone who sees my vision for my life and who supports me in reaching it (and vice versa). Someone I am on the same page with. Someone who will truly be my friend……I’m trying to eventually look into someone’s eyes and really trip over how happy we could be.

© Copyright 2006, James Leon Smith, All Rights Reserved.